Funny Status Messages

   My Mom sent me a friend request.... BLOCKED, you not one of my lil friends remember?

   My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

   Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you Husband: well you’re here with me Me: oh yeah Husband: and we’re at a funeral

   Everyone saying the world has gone mad while pointing at each other is proof the world has gone mad.

   Just got a email from a Friend Regarding Saturday Night's Halloween Party .................. "Just because you Dressed up as a Brontosaurus doesn't Mean you can Poop in my Yard and Roar at my Neighbors!"

   I've reached that Stage in Life that when a Woman whispers seductively to me to, "Give it to Her" ....................................... she means my Credit Card

   If putting a straw in a Capri Sun is evidence of my stabbing skills, I hope I'm never in a knife fight.

   All I want for Christmas is an air hockey table. It will go great with my air guitar.

   Hey ... Santa saw your Facebook pictures .... Santa saw your Facebook pictures. … Looks like you're going to be getting some clothes and a Bible for Christmas ....

   I don't understand why people buy Christmas trees just to throw them away a month later. Heck ... Do they think Christmas trees grow on trees?

   Girls just wanna have fun, guys just wanna have funds!

   [date night].. Waiter: How is everything?... Me: *whispers... Waiter: Sir?.... Wife: *sigh,, He says his carrots are touching his peas.

   Lesson learned: Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine without first turning off the hoses. Okay. Never try to make pizza dough in the washing machine, period.

   "Dating" is an anachronistic, nebulous means of defining a relationship. All it means is both parties are duping each other into some degree of permanency. Wait...that's marriage. I meant marriage.

   Does anyone else think that maybe the bright side could be self-conscious?

   Me: You are always so argumentative. Wife: No I'm not. Me: See?

   How dumb am I? I'm so dumb, I put a battery in a glass of water to make an energy drink.

   I've been eating Cheerios for years and never once have I felt like dancing before, during or after eating them

   Make sure you've got something of yourself left over for the ones that love you. 3 replies 65 retweets 121 likes

   [a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean] Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO