SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   It amazes me how all of these infomercials talk about different ways to make your pen!s larger, but they never mention just playing with it.

   Whoever said, "love conquers all" obviously wasn't very good with a gun.

   Just when you think uni-brow humor has reached it's peak, BOOM! Telemundo steps in and takes it to the next level.

   My dad still has the mind of a scientist. In a jar on the mantelpiece in his basement, right under the moose head.

   I'd like to drink less alcohol but I don't want to murder my family with a hammer.

   They say the more you drink the higher your tolerance is, but that's bullsh!t because my friend's an alcoholic & he still hates gays.

   Sometimes when I'm sad I cry into my Brita filter. Turning each teardrop into an uplifting refreshing beverage.

   To honor John Lennon's death, Newt Gingrich suggests hiring children from poor neighborhoods to clean Yoko's bathrooms.

   Auto correct is my worst enema.

   Hallmark, I'll go 50/50 on this card with you: "Moisten your inbox, baby; this Valentine's coming in hard."

   God gave me the ability to pee and brush my teeth at the same time. I'm like the Tim Tebow of he bathroom.

   FIELD REPORT: "You gonna let me sniff that whisker biscuit or what?" is an extraordinarily unsuccessful pickup line.

   Turns out "LEGO" is Danish for, "Ouch! That hurt my foot!"

   I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the sh!t out of.

   How long do you have to wear a soul patch before your cravings for souls goes away completely?

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.

   I invented a new sexual position called "The Republican" where I screw poor people.

   Just saw a redhead drinking Ginger Ale. It looks to be making him stronger. We must stop him before it's too late.

   The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.

   Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender.