BEGO Funny Status Messages

   My doctor e-mailed me asking if I knew my “blod group”. I replied, “typo.”

   Nothing makes me want a relationship to fail more than matching profile pictures.

   Before I eat chips, I have to look in the bag for a perfect one

   Your Ex ALWAYS seems to pop back up as soon as you forget about them.

   Having a dog is like having an alarm system that stains your floors.

   Old: Can I buy you a drink? New : I'll give you fourteen dollars for your phone number.

   With all due of respect, I would love to be able to walk up to you and offer you a big, nice cup of shut the f*** up.

   If you have time to update your status after your wedding, you're doing it wrong.

   I hate texting people first. I feel awkward, annoying and unwanted

   How come Mario can smash bricks with his head, but when he touches a turtle he dies

   I've been making the same mistakes in life for so long, I should just call them traditions!

   I love you like a fat kid loves cake, but lately that fat kid has been on a diet.

   Best Way to deal with High School Bullies: Grow up to be smarter, richer and better looking than them and then add them on Facebook.

   If you don't use your partner as a hand and foot warmer, you're not in a real relationship

   I don't care if you think I'm crazy. Life is too short to be normal!

   Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.

   If you want a stable relationship.. get a damn horse

   My alarm clock is clearly jealous of my amazing relationship with my bed.

   Just took the batteries out of my smoke detector to use in my TV remote control. Dont judge me.

   At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.