Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want a decent man who chokes me just enough in bed that both excites and worries me all at the same time.

   if money can't buy happiness why are homeless people so sad??

   Why is it that one who smokes marijuana is automatically a pothead, but one who drinks every weekend isn't a drunk?

   I measure my life in WTF's-Per-Hour. I'll probably get a speeding ticket here shortly.

   I gonna have to find me a partner...I'm as hard as woodpecker lips

   Whenever a girl says Hi to me, I start shouting "Stranger Danger" over and over...

   The judge sentenced me to 12 years today. Apparently, sitting on your hand for 15 minutes before shooting your wife does not mean that somebody else did it.

   Ladies.. Don't send a ;) face to us unless you want the D.

   Looking for a man to help fill my...humm..."whole"

   what have we learned from Katrina and Sandy? If you're b lack and live near the coast, you're f ucked...

   So I guess its true: once you go black...........

   Cooked with wine for the first time & I cut my finger, got a black eye, & After 2 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen, But the important thing is that the wine bottle is open.... Over all not bad..

   Donated blood for the needy since it is Xmas. Now I just have to find a Salvation Army bucket to put this Ziploc baggie in.

   It's all fun and games until somebody leaves the chicken in the beaver!

   I bring a broom with me whenever I go to Walmart so I can clean up all the white trash.

   After having sex with a lady the polite thing to say is "It was nice to meat you."

   I am not religious but I am grateful for this easter holiday, in fact I am grateful for any holiday that mean I dont have to go to work.

   Sex is like Math, You subtract the clothes, Add a Bed, Divide the legs, and hope you don't Multiply!!!

   I don't like the word “religion.” I prefer “Mandatory imaginary fun time or we kill you.”

   I dare you to read the New Testament, except substitute every "Jesus" with "Pizza Hut" and tell me it isn't the greatest business plan ever.