Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just tried "unicycling"... My balls HURT.

   My phone display is brighter than my future. :(

   Maybe the royal baby is Dennis Farina reincarnated.

   Real men sip that capri sun like its the last one left on earth

   I once complained that I had no shoes, until I met a man with no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them or anything.

   My cats are staring at me like i'm King Tuna Tut.

   I don't hate you, but I hope you want an iPhone for christmas and you get the 5c.

   I know it's only air and all, but if pushed too hard, a fart can actually hurt!

   My dog and I like to sniff crotches.

   There's something F'd up with America if Lindsay Lohan can get in a fight in a limo then take a private jet from NY to LA...

   South Korea's got Seoul.

   I'm concerned with the fate of our nation, but not "Face the Nation" concerned.

   I'll answer my wife's question after watching this movie; wait, where is my family?

   Which child of his is Ron Paul more proud of? Rand or Ru?

   there are two types of people...don't worry you are not one of them.

   I'm not saying she's fat. I'm just saying if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know.... She'd be three of them.

   what's the plural for' "I ran over your cat"?

   That incredibly relieving feeling when you have to fart after having the man flu for 4 days, and its only a fart!! Fart roulette.......

   I wonder if Steve Jobs is in hell and they've given him a BlackBerry.

   I think I just had a wardrobe malfunction................................