Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hello, ABC? It's less than 40 hours until New Year's Eve...time to fill the sink with water and defrost Dick Clark.

   I just save $329.99 from not buying 30 vials of Restasis for dry eyes by having someone come by my house three times a day and poke me in the eyes...

   It isn't the alternative facts that makes the White House dangerous, it's the alternative reality.

   Rick Perry has only done 3 things as Energy Secretary: Deny climate change, attack a gay student, and... I can't remember the third thing.

   BREAKING: Donald Trump fires Corey Lewandowski as campaign manager, plans on replacing him with Gary Busey.

   I'm pretty opinionated for a guy who walks around the house talking to his dog in a Hillary Clinton voice.

   France must need a communist in office to step up to the plate.

   So ticket resellers are selling tickets to Charlie Sheen's show at a 75% loss. Why would the average American pay $52 to see something they can read on Twitter for free? Losing. duh.

   What a woman wants is what you are out of. She wants more of a thing when it is scarce.

   It's so Hot my ice cream is melting in the freezer

   That awkward moment when you chilling in a park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging the piano ;)

   ahhh where the hell is spring? if you see her around tell her to come see me immediately

   Have you ever called to make payment arrangements on a bill, and forgot you already paid it? Me neither....

   English fans are so soccer crazy, they are even having pre-season hooliganism riots!

   Why cant Govts, like husbands and boyfriends, simply say sorry and defuse a crisis before it goes out of hand???

   moves like jagger

   I love women's mentality "I said 'leave and never come back' but all I really want is you to stand outside my window throwing pebbles screaming 'I'm in love with you'!" - Taylor Swift

   A history of 9/11 this weekend. I'll be watching. Peace: the ultimate want. If everyone would bend, we'd have this... CJ

   Got my heart broken recently...makes me wanna crack their skull....afterall fair is fair....right?

   If you're a British actor and you weren't in atleast one Harry Potter movie, its time for a little self evaluation on your career choice