SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   In my hay day all I did was sneeze.

   Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.

   This empty bottle of rum has very good manners for being completely drunk. I on the other hand do not.

   I'm glad my job isn't standing on the corner, spinning a sign, dressed up like the Statue of Liberty, while drivers make the jerk-off sign

   If you have ever used one of those Hand Dryers in a bathroom, congratulations...you just did a portion of the Macarena.

   It should be illegal to be outgoing before 10am.

   It's like I'm always holding for the next available representative, but they never hold me back.

   I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.

   First they put safety features on circular saws; next we'll be forced to wear seat belts to run our blenders.

   What's that thing that's like Photoshop except way easier to use and it's for real life? Oh yeah, vodka.

   Don't tell me about how you "dressed up" your baby for a special occasion. If you're wearing something you can sh!t in you aren't dressed up.

   1 out of 8 people suffers from multiple personality disorder but to that one person that statistic would be 3 out of 8.

   A recent government survey reports that people are more cynical these days than any time in history. Like I'm really supposed to believe that…

   And thus begins the 11-month unemployment season for handbell choirs.

   This infomercial salesman just screamed that the phones are going crazy, so I immediately threw mine across the room and sheltered in place.

   Driving through rural Oklahoma in the AM trying to make it home quick to the kids. I'm a country song right now.

   When the fake-thunder sound effect goes off in the produce section, I know it's time to urinate on the lettuce.

   No human being in the history of the world has ever enjoyed hearing about another human being's workout.

   A homeless man is just a hardcore camper.

   I'll catch you later: Cool thing to say to a friend, scary thing to say to a child.