Funny Status Messages
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My heart says "No", but my erection says, "Shut the hell up, Heart" 
This weekend seemed to go a little faster than most. :/
3rd straight week without drinking alcohol. People separated from your loved ones now I totally understand you struggle and pain.
Most people are surprised to find out I am a grandmother, especially my daughters boyfriends.
"I'm defintely more of a 'go big' than a 'go home' guy" ~ Me to the cashier as she rings up my 30 pack.
I never thought I would ever say this, but I am supporting Lindsay Lohan in this catfight. Lesser of two evils is my reasoning.
just inbox me if you wanna ask something avoid my wall
I want you and pizza. I'm so good at this romance sh*t.
Meanwhile, Mc Fazzerino, (the test tube baby) can spell, and signs his posts instead of hiding behind a blank name field. And is also amused by the fact that someone other than my mom knows my dad's sperm count.
Guys, just answer truthfully.ur answers may help me in my new year resolutions. Do you think am a "Drunk?"
The only reason I'd yell at you, is to get me another beer.
I have heartburn so bad that even the Devil would want out
Oils are weird, like some are for babies and some are for cars, who can keep track?
That point in your diet when one belt hole is too tight and the next one is too loose.
G Strings are like regular strings except they get to snuggle in between two ass cheeks all day.
You know she is not that into you and is also a groupie when she forgets your birthday but remember's to write a birthday message on Justin Bieber's pet Facebook page.
The terminator and my ex have a lot in common. They both said they'd be back.
it's funnier in its original form, "Happy as a puppy with two peters".
What is it with those female athletes, freezing temps and they wear them thin skin tight lycra suits, my wife wears more than that in a warm bed
Sometimes the beast within us is actually shown on the outside. 