Funny Status Messages

   I think the Dowager Countess of Grantham should run for President.

   Just walked into a public restroom. Seriously? What angle does one have to be to achieve that particular splatter pattern?

   ..... I Dunno about Grizzlies Mr. Obama .... But I'm pretty sure Black Bears Matter ....

   Actually mom, I'm not writing tweets about handjobs anymore I'm into fisting now. Happy?

   I have an agressive hickey on my shoulder from a Trump supporter and it actually hurts. Please help!!!

   My goal in life isn't to become famous or powerful like Donald Trump, my goal in life is to make enough money to eat whatever I want....

   Wow!!! Madonna exposes 17-year old's breat during concert, teen calls it the best moment in her life. Hmmmm....I thought all of Madonna's fans were all adults in their 40's and 50's.

   My dream in life is to be a guest on the Maury show.

   The best memory of American Idol is when Ryan Seacrest tried to highfive a blind guy with Kelly Clarkson winning a distant second.

   Easter Pro Tip: Wrap up grapes in color foil and give them away as chocolate eggs to your family and friends.

   Dr. Dre is a rapper, I always wondered what medical school he went to....

   anyone understand what women even do with toilet paper? because if they used it to dress up as egyptian mummies i'd probably understand.

   If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate,,, they'd have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Susan is already taken.

   I know I am a little crazy, that's a part of my charm. If you don't like it, then get off my unicorn!!!

   Now that there will be a woman on the $20 bill does that mean it will be worth less than the ones with men on them?

   Remember when King Solomon threatened to cut the boy in half so he could determine if it was Brandy's or Monica's? 😂

   Sorry I asked for a receipt when you gave me your heart..

   I would like to that "The Walking Dead" for making it socially acceptable to openly talk about which family member you think would get eaten first.

   I am not saying you are stupid, because I thought you already knew

   I wonder if God watches Maurry and thinks about who he's going to tell to build the next ark?