Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just took the "What Dungeons and Dragons Character Are You" quiz and I am a dungeon.

   When is the Olympic participation awards ceremony?

   Ryan Lochte looks like he has a trophy case for his medals and a separate one for his Adrian Grenier autographed DVD of the Entourage movie.

   Yes Comrade,, In America, No one owns a smartphone, the smartphone owns you.

   The More You Know: Jesus loved trees not cake, that's why on Dec 25th we have Christmas Trees.

   A guy tells his daughter to remove 2 words from her vocabulary. She asked which 2. He says, "one is gross the other is awesome." She goes, "okay what are they?"

   All I'm saying is a nacho bar would go a long ways towards earning that bigger tip, Uber drivers.

   When you see a Snowden movie directed by Oliver Stone, do the theater ushers hand out tin foil hats instead of 3D glasses?

   Angelina Jolie filing for divorce? Maybe I have a chance this time. Anyone have her number?

   I'm so jazzed .... It's obvious that Angelina DID get that letter I sent her claiming my undying love for her!! Still trying to figure out why it took her four years to divorce the Scmuck tho.

   I once saw Tony the Tiger and the Trix rabbit having Chex. It was grrrrrrross.

   Hey ... Does it mean anything when you see an elderly woman hobbling out the back door of the Presidential Debate Stage door crying and screaming vulgarities and met with a limousine driven by Huma Abedin?

   Good luck listening to 80's music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

   Remember when Saturday morning TV was all great cartoons? Now it's just porn. That might just be my TV, tho.

   I see the new iPhone 11 is coming out and if you'd like a sneak preview of it just take a look at your iPhone 10 and pretended it cost $750 less.

   We used to hang lace panties on our rear view mirrors, now it's face masks. Men what have we become :P

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Prefer to do socially distance exchange and will place in front of house for you pickup. Leave money in neighbor's mailbox.

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   How is Peter Parker selling pictures of himself dressed as Spider-Man any different from onlyfans

   with or without you, I'm still going...