Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember when Saturday morning TV was all great cartoons? Now it's just porn. That might just be my TV, tho.

   Your boyfriend/hubby is always beating you up and you say its "Gangster love",no its not,its WWE SMACKDOWN....you dating John Cena!?

   If a gynecologist uses an instrument called a speculum, does a proctologist use an instrument called a reculum?

   Just found a $5 bill in the dryer that must have fallen out of my pants pocket. Looks like I'm guilty of money laundering.

   So you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

   I see the new iPhone 11 is coming out and if you'd like a sneak preview of it just take a look at your iPhone 10 and pretended it cost $750 less.

   We used to hang lace panties on our rear view mirrors, now it's face masks. Men what have we become :P

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Prefer to do socially distance exchange and will place in front of house for you pickup. Leave money in neighbor's mailbox.

   I still can't believe some people's survival instincts told them to grab toilet paper.

   How is Peter Parker selling pictures of himself dressed as Spider-Man any different from onlyfans

   The major cause of a divorce is the marriage.

   We can be the kind of people who put daffodils in vases. Or we can be the kind of people who leave ants outside.

   Everyone is talking about the royal wedding but life isn't a game of thrones

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   I never go to bed with ugly women. But somehow I wake up with them.

   Getting married is the second most popular thing we do in our lifetime. Getting divorce is the first.

   Did you know my people invented the Toothbrush? If it was invented by anyone else, they would have called it a teethbrush.

   Your Nano died? No biggie, just recharge it. Oh. You said "Nana", didn't you? Damn.

   My wife used to be a size eight. Now she's a figure 8.

   9/13 Happy birthday Milton Hershey, thank you for the Hershey bar. Also is Scooby Doo day.