Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   rare sighting of me by a neighbor

   it me, or is *** an annoying prick for all his incomplete jokes? Go away *** you bother me!

   I have a nutache

   Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too

   Lactose intolerance is said to be the primary cause of a cheesy combustible.

   Yes I took a knee before the game on Sunday. It took three people and a promise of a chocolate chip cookie to get me back on my feet again.

   Didn't know Dolphins do coke. Do they turn their heads upside down?

   When a wife's deadbeat husband died. She had him cremated and his ashes placed in a 24 hour, hour-glass. He's now working 24/7 for eternity.

   You haven't lived until you've had to force yourself to throw up 7 times so as to dislodge a fish bone you accidentally swallowed at dinner.

   I want to set the record straight.....I thought the cop was a prostitute!!!!...lol

   My son kept picking Tootsie Rolls instead of Snickers this Halloween like some sort of candy moron.

   WHAT IS THAT ? A TWISTED SISTER PIN, ON YOUR UNIFORM !

   "When did we first meet?" if we had sex the first I could recall otherwise dont waste my time !

   You go to the refrigerator to see if something is appealing and later on you return to see if anything is appealing as if something magically appeared. Same as checking Facebook throughout the day- the same ol' over and over.

   Houston, we have a problem. Never mind. It's nothing. You know what the problem is. Are you listening me me? Fine. -First woman on the Moon.

   So...this new show called The Wall. Is this what Donald Trump was talking about the whole time? Advertising an hour long game show about Plinko?

   My Favorite machine at the Gym has to be the Television

   Work has been a pain lately. Too much stress at this stage of my life...and for that reason...I'm out. If only life were like Shark Tank.

   A real cop show is one of them being on disability for blowing out a hammy while chasing a suspect.

   Sure, daylight can be saved tomorrow, but only if it accepts Jesus as its one true savior.