Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "We need to talk about your son. The only questions he got correct on the test were about the Kardashians." -Middle/High school teachers everywhere

   Just not sure if this is a sign of the apocalypse, but I just saw a tow truck towing a tow truck.

   Stop petting my peeves!

   I was trying to impress my new boss, but it turns out that "collage" is NOT a fancy way to say "college".

   You know when you get the shivers when you pee?.. That's because you just peed out a ghost.

   If loving the mole people and helping them enslave humanity is wrong I don't wanna be right.

   Could say we ate Velveeta sandwiches because we grew up poor, but, nah, we just liked ‘em.

   Dear Curiosity, Just put down the gun and let's talk this out. Sincerely, the Cat.

   A dog can only be as proportionally smart as its owner. So, if you're a mouth-breathing knuckle-dragger, there's no hope for you, and even less for your dog.

   I was lost and yes I did go looking but I did not find you Cyndi Lauper. Glad I didn’t fall.

   You know its sad when your mother is on facebook and guys younger than you are poking her

   I just read something that said, "Don't believe everything you read." I'm not sure if I should believe it.

   I don't understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake

   Nothing around here makes sense. If something did make sense it wouldn’t make sense because in order to make sense it can’t make sense. Am I making sense?

   I am really not surprised that there are not many women race car drivers, Women drive all over town like race car drivers anyway

   My bank has this cool feature, whenever I want, they send me a text message with my Account balance. I do however think that adding "LOL" at the end of the message is really unnecessary

   I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.

   I can't concentrate on my work until Google fixes the cheeseburger emoji.

   They say time & water carved the Grand Canyon. I washed my underwear 20 times in Tide with Bleach and yup, skid marks still there.

   Kevin Durant just announced he's signing with the Eagles.