Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing hotter than a bow-legged woman in spandex.

   Should the person who invented Swiss cheese be referred to as “Your Holiness”?

   you've never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.

   I think it's amazing that the average person can now be launched into space on a rocket ship, I mean the average person with 20 million dollars to blow.

   My computer jsut asked me to check my virus protection, which one ?

   Walmart just announced that they'll be hiring a hundred thousand new workers and now with any luck maybe they'll open at least more then 2 of their 27 registers.

   Just think of all the things making big money during this. Netflix!, Disney+, Pornhub.

   I built a makeshift barrier at each end of my street to keep the virus out. Someone tore it down and hauled it away. I need to find them and get my bed and sofa back!

   Waxing places are closed, so carpets are growing back. Beauty salons are closed, so the carpets are matching the drapes.

   For once in my life I think I found a new diet that really seems to be working for me! That called " I better not eat too much as I'm starting to run low on toilet paper"

   HOUSEWIVES: Save money on expensive gadgets by changing your name to Alexa and obeying random instructions from everyone in your household.

   Had to go to the grocery store to buy some more supplies and couldn't help but notice how clean some people's hands were who smelt like they hadn't showered in weeks.

   With the stay at home order in some states, I wonder how soon it will be before we start hearing about people going stir-crazy like Jack Nicholson in the movie The Shining.

   Guy just asked me where a public phone was, I told him 1987.

   There are two key elements to success. 1. Never tell anyone everything you know.

   Everyone knows that Santa lives at the North Pole, but does anyone know where the Easter Bunny lives?

   I just burnt 330 calories in about 30 minutes. And thats the last time I look at facebook with a pizza in the oven!

   I just wanna take a vacation and get nastier than a black jelly bean

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot

   If your getting together with your 10 piece band to make a "Social Distancing Video" I think you've missed the point of social distancing.