Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Oh good YouPorn put up all their Easter themed porn.

   I downloaded an APP to do my taxes. I hope it hurries.....It's running out of time........

   So, someone stole my credit card number last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That sums up my day....you?

   rare sighting of me by a neighbor

   it me, or is *** an annoying prick for all his incomplete jokes? Go away *** you bother me!

   I have a nutache

   Are we removing all the statues of generals who lost in war...Cuz I got General insurance and I want that removed too

   Lactose intolerance is said to be the primary cause of a cheesy combustible.

   Yes I took a knee before the game on Sunday. It took three people and a promise of a chocolate chip cookie to get me back on my feet again.

   Didn't know Dolphins do coke. Do they turn their heads upside down?

   When a wife's deadbeat husband died. She had him cremated and his ashes placed in a 24 hour, hour-glass. He's now working 24/7 for eternity.

   Inspirational Quote: Be the change you want to see in your car's ashtray.

   ... So ... I cheated on my diet for ONE day and gained fifty pounds .... WTF?

   I’m going to change my name to Benny Fitz…so when people add me on Facebook, it will say;..You are now friends with Benny Fitz.

   When asked my weight, I give what it is on the Moon.

   You kept telling me you knew ancient Chinese secrets and it turned out to be laundry detergent.

   Seeing your ex is huge is like passing your final exam : You leave in a hurry and you're ecstatic it's over.

   I'm gonna party this weekend like its THE PURGE

   If your name is Hollywood there is a 100% guarantee your star power is 0.

   Based on recent history of opening a Capri Sun, I don't feel like I'd be able to stab a zombie during the apocalypse.