Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Will he stay or will he go? Seems like President Mubarak must have the same publicist as Carmelo Anthony...

   My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat

   I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey. Hashtag blessed.

   Geez I shouldn't have clicked on that flying drone ad as now my news feed is filled with a million different kinds of drones for sale :/

   I'm so old I just sit around and look at Facebook all day.... like younger people do nowadays.

   My doctor says I need to cut back on my gluten. Over my bread body!

   I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

   Wonder how many wife's the guy who giving marriage tips has gone through?

   Merry 50% off Cake and Candy day everyone!

   Precision. Concentration. Patience. Fearlessness. For skills I possess when shaving my nuts that I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   now officially talking to myself but somehow I hear busy signals in my ears. I wonder if I can get call waiting?? Wait... Maybe its better I dont answer myself.

   When I was a kid we use to have wonder at times who are real friends were, but nowadays all you have to do is delate your facebook account and see who calls.

   If he say he is busy on valentines day, you're the other woman.

   I just bought a robotic vacuum cleaner that not only works great it allows me to get something productive done while looking at facebook!

   why is everyone working out? is there a war coming that I don't know about?

   My goal is to accomplish something productive each and every day! Oh but wait, first I have to logout of Facebook.....

   Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

   Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: who’s that? Me: why are you leaving? -me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

   Toilet Duck. Because nobody wants to be hit by a toilet.

   Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.