Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy National Day of Predation.

   Nothing makes me feel like a kid again quite like waking up in drool.

   The trick to everything is have someone else do it.

   I hugged someone else's mom at a park once and now mine won't pick me up bc I smell like other mom now

   They're boarding the Diamond, Platinum, Gold level passengers now. Next is Silver, Copper, Recycled Aluminum and then me: Old Paper Scraps.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

   OK ...... so the People have spoken. Question: "Is anybody listening?"

   Dieting is all about portion control. You want that Big Mac? Go ahead! One bite a day.

   I'm almost positive that just before I get to Wallys some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   Went to Walmart and some lady was escorted out of the store as she was complaining that all the bananas were bent...

   When something big comes out from your life, smaller ones enter.

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   Good morning to everyone except if your name starts with S, just like my ex’s.

   So whats are you all doing tonight? - Using social networking for what its intended for.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the facts? I said I sure have....... I got married.

   I love you more then a click of your like buttons.

   “Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs

   Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate