Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A breakaway cop uniform might be a bit tacky but I think I could pull it off.

   "Second coat my @$$! -Michelangelo, upon completing the Sistine Chapel job.

   Sure we can make out, but I ain't pausing tonights episode of 'Murder She Wrote'.

   "Hey you want to Live Long and Prosper with me?" works great as a pick-up line.

   I trust myself less than I trust bed bugs to do the right thing.

   Nobody wants to hear anyone ever talk about "whipping out that Mexican thing again" unless it's homemade guacamole.

   Facebook live exposing sh*tty cellphones 2015

   Now pretend I said that sarcastically and read it again.

   I have serious problems with intimacy and first impressions and friendships and strangers and everything else.

   Netflix removed my 3 year old's favorite movie. THE APOCALYPSE IS NOW!!!

   Apparently calling your wife, who thinks you're at work, while you're standing outside the living room window and asking "have you seen any clowns outside" isn't very funny.

   Trying to find a name for your child really exposes how many people you have met in your life that you now hate

   My daughter says she can't wait to drink coffee and stay up past 9:00 so don't ever forget we are living the dream here, guys

   Kinda wanted to watch IT, but I realized I’m broke. So, just gonna look into this mirror instead.

   mechanic says the weird sound I hear in my car is me sighing

   I still remember the day my father promoted me to general disappointment.

   Fun fact: Daylight saving time is almost a 100 years old. It was enacted on March 19 1918.

   I was always told, "KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS!" And ever since I received that sage advice, I've never lost my house or car keys!

   I took some bad medicine and have been out for a while. What did I miss? Is Kanye president?

   My doctor told me to stay off sugar until I’m done taking the meds he prescribed, he has 28 twitter followers, what does he even know?