Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They're boarding the Diamond, Platinum, Gold level passengers now. Next is Silver, Copper, Recycled Aluminum and then me: Old Paper Scraps.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.

   OK ...... so the People have spoken. Question: "Is anybody listening?"

   Dieting is all about portion control. You want that Big Mac? Go ahead! One bite a day.

   I'm almost positive that just before I get to Wallys some mental institution drops off its patients to go shopping

   Went to Walmart and some lady was escorted out of the store as she was complaining that all the bananas were bent...

   When something big comes out from your life, smaller ones enter.

   Forgetting to switch off your alarm on a day when you’re not meant to go Work is an invention of lucifer himself

   I only drink on days with a "T" Tuesday, Thursday and Today

   Life is short..... Unless you're married

   Good morning to everyone except if your name starts with S, just like my ex’s.

   So whats are you all doing tonight? - Using social networking for what its intended for.

   My bar buddy ask me have you ever made a decison without knowing all the facts? I said I sure have....... I got married.

   I love you more then a click of your like buttons.

   “Did you just walk past my house, you piece of sheet?” - dogs

   If one despises losers, and one is a loser. Does that loser despise them self ?

   I'm working hard to become free... I'm over half way through my Halloween candy already.

   I left the FrisbeeIsm cult. They just used circular reasoning.

   So do we all have the same automatic spell checker? Or am I his only Facebook friend?

   On new year's eve, tonight while counting down the last 10 seconds, Lift yout left leg so you start the new year out on the right foot, making all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions! Happy new years guys! Be safe, please. 😘