Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the employee parking lot is full, you should get to go back home.

   “That’s herpes” -my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

   You reach an age when you become very critical about people parking near your house.

   Impeachment is not only constitutional, but also golden.

   Why is it that so many people now want to kill a good guy to avenge the death of a bad guy?

   waving the rebel flag and burning the rainbow flag

   All the Christian festivals revolve around chocolate & presents. Almost as if they're trying to lure kids in for some reason.

   IF you can read this you have a strong mind: 7H15 M355463 53RV35 70 PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1N6 7H1N65! 1MPR3551V3 7H1N65! 1N 7H3 B361NN1NG 17 W45 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 L1N3 Y0UR M1ND 15 R34D1N6 17 4U70M471C4 11Y W17H 0UT 3V3N 7H1NK1N6 4B0U7 17, B3

   saw an elevator today with a sign that said "this elevator does not go down." Guess it was a Christian elevator

   WARNING: As of today - Facebook will start dragging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings>Planetary Settings>Trajectory then UNCLICK the box that says 'Apocalypse'.

   I don’t need the body of a 20 yr old. I would take their bladder though.

   How does a Trump supporter find his sister in the woods? Hot.

   prays to God "Give us Michael Jackson back, take Justin Beiber instead"

   My name is shower. If you turn me on, i'll make you wet ;)

   beauty is why god invented eye balls.... booty is why god invented my balls..

   Anderson Cooper likes it in the pooper. :/

   a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken I just ate in the parking lot.

   "Why is trump so hard on fake news? After fake news is what got him elected.

   Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

   * His signature looks like one of his lie detector print outs.