Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
Officer: Is that cocaine? Me: I dunno, let me smell... (Boom! No evidence!) 
50 shades of can't stop drinking.
If Hillary Clinton wins, I'm getting Rosetta Stone and sending El Chapo my resume.
Can we vote Justin Trudeau as President of the United States?? He's more of a celebrity than Trump is.
If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie, have some drinks, talk" and actually watch a movie, chat and drink, then you're a failure as a man…
"It looks like the Easter Bunny came here last night" "Let's not jump to any conclusions. Until we get these semen samples down to the lab we can't be sure who it was."
If anyone lost a roll of $20 bills with a rubber band around it...... I found it, spent the money and shot the rubber band at a suspicious looking squirrel that was eyeing my Reese's Pieces.
Jesus died for our sins, so if we don't sin he died for nothing.
Jesus says to John come forth I'll give you eternal life. John came fifth he won a toaster
The Thunder God went for a ride Upon his favorite philly. "I'm Thor!", he cried. The horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"
When I say 'Netflix & Chill' sometimes I mean that. Stop kissin' my neck and watch this serial killer documentary with me or get the tf out.
I hate being sick at Christmas. My wife says I'm not sick, but I was just jacking it while looking at a picture of a fat nun pissing on a hot schools girl. How is that not sick.
if God created us in his image why the Hell don't we have powers?
this is going to be a long black history month of hennesy, watermelon and friend chicken
The kids next door have challenged me to a water fight.. I'm just updating my status while I wait for the kettle to boil.
what do you call a gay dinosaur? A mega saur-ass
The hottest love has the coldest end !!!, Boyfriends come and go, but friends r forever.. enjoy ur SINGLE life
everywhere that's anywhere
My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge raclst, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was bIack - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.
I respect your right to freedom of speech but I don't have to agree with what you say. And...guess what! That's okay! 