Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is alot of good women out there, but there isn't enough good men to match their value.

   Was driving a van full of women to a Jimmy Buffett concert. Saw a sign that read 25 MPH. I thought to myself, "Twenty five Menopausal Parrot Heads is right.

   What I like about soy butter is the delicate blending of the flavors of fish food and dirt.

   Gnomeo & Juliet -- red v.s. blue -- so thats where it all started

   Today is just gonna be one of those days like 'Now throw yo hands in the ayer... Wave em' like just don't cayer...'

   Teiam, the I is silent. There you go!

   What's the difference between a liar and a cheater? Nothing, they're practically brothers!

   So this chick yelled that I was hot and she wanted me and this loser thought she was talking to him...awkward

   Revenge is a dish best served steaming hot! So your enemies burn their tongue.

   Congressman Weiner's wife: "ANTHONY!!! I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU!"

   So my girlfriend thinks we should move in together. I told her no. She asked why, I said "you have bad habits" she paused and asked "what habits?" to this I gave thought, and said "your cooking"

   What do you say if Chris Brown is your blackjack dealer and you need another card?

   is out making some changes in her life...leave a message and I'll get back yo you. if I don't return your message your one of the changes!

   Don't worry about avoiding temptation. After I have slept with you once I will avoid you.

   Q. Did you hear about the male prostitute who got leprosy? A. He did okay until his business fell off.

   on my way to Oz on the yellow brick road but overshot it by 150 miles- I was having an argument with myself, I was not asleep, got here OK, hanging with Glenda.

   I no-longer have magazines in my washroom, I got my phone to mess around with instead

   The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

   Drunk Midgets....i'm pretty sure this is what people come to the internet for.

   Whoever has the most Facebook friends when he dies WINS