Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why does Ninja Turtle pizza look like it taste better than my pizza?

   Life is what you make it! I made it into a bottle of booze and chugged the whole bottle in one sitting and then threw the bottle at a tree.

   Dance your cares away Worry's for another day Let the music play down at...

   my birthday is everyday thats why I don't do nothing special on my birthday.....its just another day.

   you're looking good today, have you decreased in mass?

   Actually, every picture you have is from when you were younger.

   this Chick that's trying to get him fired for allegedly giving her "Inappropriate Massages" in the Office, or so she claims. I told her "Good Luck Honey: I Don't Even Work Here!!"

   Called into work.. Told them I pulled my liver..

   Worst possible life moment.... Driving down the interstate, a few miles past the "next exit 80 miles" sign, and you realize you have a sudden onset of diahrrea

   every fight is a food fight.......when your a cannibal.

   The Comedy Awards is on tonight, don't know what category it would be in but the Rebecca Black video needs to be nominated for SOMETHING!

   always reads the Terms of Service before clicking install just like everyone else... right?

   ____ Things I've done more of since I joined Facebook: 1. Less

   still crying 12 hours after putting his contact lenses. Never gonna eat Jalapenos with my hands again.

   The court took my lisence for blowin a .08 and then sends me a jurry summons.... How the f*** am I supposed to get there???

   I'm like a magician in bed, I'll make all your hopes and dreams disappear.

   She won't let me warm my icicle feet on her toasty inner thighs due to the availability of a technology called "socks." WHATEVER.

   hearing sirens.... They're must be a new batch at dunkin donuts

   I'm a keeper. Don't listen to my exes... they be b!tches...

   (Q): What is the difference between a prostitute, a girlfriend and a wife. (A): Prepaid, post paid and unlimited plan.