Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What kind of streets do zombies like the best?… Dead ends

   My sweet dance moves bring all the boys to the yard and they're all, "Somebody call 911! This b itch is having a seizure!" :(

   I'm always proud of myself for being able to itch my ass with my own fart

   Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

   I'm the one who has a problem eating a Popsicle like a normal human being. An my name is Dan.

   Having a rough morning? Place your hand over your heart. Feel that? That's called purpose. You're alive for a reason. Don't give up.

   going for my annual physical today. Its the only time a year I dont like a finger in my a$$

   Sometimes I consider myself a badass then I remember the most dangerous thing I've done today was sneeze while driving.

   One of these is not in my bed right now: 3/4 Empty 1 Liter Crown Royal Bottle... Online FB Friends... Lap Top... Cold Pizza... Vaseline Jar... Naked "Bridget the Midget" Blow Up Doll... Me... Self Respect

   Guys that are afraid of spiders, what color did you get your nails painted on Mother's Day?

   My wife bet me that I couldn't make a car out of spaghetti. You should have seen her expression when I drove pasta!

   I had a missed call at 3 am and I just now called it back. It was Jake from StateFarm

   Entering 2013 the same way I entered this world! Naked crying, and alone. (Adoption Joke gone way wrong)

   1) Jodie Foster never spoke the word g ay. 2) If you didn't already know she was g ay, you're an idiot...

   all I want for my birthday is a big booty call

   Dont take me for granted, because I will leave your a$$ in at a moments notice!

   Never make someone your first option when they make you their second option.

   Make my heart skip a beat and I will rock your world. Make my period skip a month and I will collect your child support for the next 18 yrs.

   Sometimes it's better to keep what you know to yourself. You are not CNN.

   I just had sober sex. That was horrifying