Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well, then I guess only one of us will be enjoying these next 3 years :)

   Why is the creative comedic mind dying?

   I have got a six pack if you want to see it just open my fridge lol

   Canadian civics lesson: The Prime Minister,, is a minister who cannot be divided by any other ministers except for himself and one minister.

   When something bad happens to me I know it's because I didn't donate that dollar to the children's fund at Publix

   Shut your legs love, I can smell your issues from over here.

   Thinking of going back to MySpace, pretty sure the even the NSA does not follow anyone over there

   My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave.

   Attention nobodys...I'm not going to "follow" you on fb....unless you're Marilyn Monroe brought back to life.

   What is Warm, Soft, Sticky and has a Hole in the middle? It's a Fresh donut. I was way off on that one!

   Seriously Dad, stop sending me fwd emails. 2001 is history...

   my new party trick I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my a ss tied together I s hit you knot

   Spooning leads to forking which is why I always use condiments.

   The second I named my hangover "dad" it went away

   EVERY girls dream is to eat without getting fat.

   What is it about Adele's voice that makes me want to stick hot pokers in my eyes??

   If you start caring about yourself than people will also start caring about you.

   A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

   A woman who can make her man accompany her to the mall for shopping when there is a football match on TV probably don't give blow jobs either.

   Just did 100 crunches, and I'll be damned if there aren't just crumbs everywhere.