Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's a sad day when a 4 year old girl is more calm and collected than a police officer.

   If you LIKE a comment that attacks me on my FB you are also getting deleted and blocked. Guilty by by association.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here screwing sheep.”

   I shoved a plunger up gayray's crack in CVS bathrooms. They're no longer having a rubber sale.

   Hey dad, thanks for not pulling out..

   I hate how others want to remove my southern history from existence. Too bad I don't know much about southern history and I assume a lot of things in it.

   Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

   If pigs could fly, I'd eat the s hit out of those wings!!

   "You should go to church".... "Sunday is a day of rest"..... Well which is it? Make up your damn mind!

   I sure hope my wife passes her kidney stone soon! I'm getting hungry...

   forget kay....every kiss begins with a semicolon :*

   You'd think dogs would be at least a little embarrassed with their buttholes just hanging out like that. But no!!!!

   If I was a terrorist I'd want 100 sluts instead of virgins in the afterlife. I don't want to be a "disappointing first" for that many women.

   My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory

   Did you know that it takes 3 sheep to make one sweater? wow, I didn't even know they can Knit !

   We have no right to ask when a sorrow comes, 'Why did this happen to me?' unless we ask the same question for every joy that comes our way... jest sayin

   If everyday is a gift, I want to know where I can return Mondays.

   if you're upset about not getting a valentine, then you're probably on your period...

   It's like 7 degrees today. I just hugged a guy & I had to call him an ambulance, he got 2 deep nipples stab wounds on the chest.

   The aliens have never invaded cos every time they visit they only ever encounter redneck Americans. So they’re waiting for us to evolve.