Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   this is a good time to buy the Halloween candy. it makes great stocking stuffers

   Rude is saying STFU. Polite is saying please STFU.

   "Is you house baby-proof?" Yes, I threw like 7 babies at it and the house didn't break.

   It's a sad day when a 4 year old girl is more calm and collected than a police officer.

   If you LIKE a comment that attacks me on my FB you are also getting deleted and blocked. Guilty by by association.

   On my next geography test, I'm putting down Kansas City in in the state of Kansas.

   Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here screwing sheep.”

   I shoved a plunger up gayray's crack in CVS bathrooms. They're no longer having a rubber sale.

   Hey dad, thanks for not pulling out..

   I hate how others want to remove my southern history from existence. Too bad I don't know much about southern history and I assume a lot of things in it.

   Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

   ryan howard is the only other person who struck out more than I did this weekend..

   on the air, go ahead caller what is your request?

   had big dreams as a little kid... now they're HUGE!!! :)

   Life is like roller coster indeed, and i'm about to throw up..*woakh*

   New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.-James Agate

   just because he knows he's better looking than you doesn't make him arrogant, just part of the majority

   I Dont Even Tell Myself What To Do! So What Gives You The Right Too!!

   ...just heard that the "Octomom" won't rule out having another baby...well then, I think we can safely rule out her having even one more brain cell left...

   Be my Tom and I will be your Jerry.