Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was stopped outside BOOTS chemist by a woman with a clipboard who asked "Can I ask you what products you use for grooming" you should have seen the look on her face when I replied "Sure... Haribo Sweets, Internet Chatrooms and a Small Puppy"

   Stretch before sex , lots of people get hurt like that.

   Did the world end while I was sleeping? Because my room looks like and earthquake came through. I guess they have Facebook in hell.

   likes the video of james and wade mocking dirk...i also like the one where dirk mocks them...oh wait there aint one because they aint never around during this series!!!

   I breathe the Dollar Sign_:-$

   •Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

   This week is Nude Recreation Week, in related news today is Cheer Up The Lonely Day and World Population Day. I think this is an excellent combination because if you play it right you can celebrate all 3 at one time!

   Message to Scotland Yard Canteen Manager: Please wear a suit to work tomorrow, as you are now their highest ranking employee.

   Boys night out,my friends are great..we all know how to really party! :thanks -jack daniels,jim bean,jose cuervo,jimmy walker

   I like "rolling in the deep" .

   May the road stay straight when the driving is up to you May you not get pulled over after you have thrown back a few May the sun rise and not find you still flat on you face And may the rain hold off until you can crawl into your place Cheers.

   Cops never say "thanks for speeding and keeping us employed". It's just plain selfish.

   Hey Honey... Remember that trip to Yellowstone we have planned this weekend?....

   senses a disturbance in the force.

   Dear Climate, Although we're practically 2/3 of the way through Autumn, the predicted high temps for Orlando today are in the mid 80s. Could you do me a small favor and go f**k yourself?

   not sure what is going on today but I think I released enough "natural gas" to supply my furnace for the winter...

   Santa I'm sorry I was so naughty! Last year I was so good you brought me a Grill! This year I just needed the coal!

   due to the economic crisis the rapper formerly known as 50Cent has now become a paperclip called 20Cents

   When it gets dark early, the universe dares the drunk within me to get started.

   You aren't crazy, you're just lonely, and loneliness is one hell of a drug.