Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to tell if your woman is mad at you; she tells you, " No! I'm fine!"

   My guilty pleasure is feeling guilty over any pleasure I have.

   Most places claiming to have Real New York Pizza usually don't. It's more like: "Real Upstate New York Pizza."

   If you really wanna drive her crazy, make her guess how you feel.

   my liquor store owner will be so happy in about four days

   I would love to send so many people on One-way trip to Mars.

   Still waiting for this movie sequence where the guy running for his girl at a moving train slips off and dies under the train.

   If a road runs parallel to a river, there's probably a bridge nearby. No reason to cross five lanes of traffic, Frogger, you idiot.

   it's not the man who has too little, but the man who craves more, who is poor

   Oh yeah Morgan Freeman... My Olympic moment involved an open bar. I don't remember the details, but I needed stitches.

   I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected “

   So ladies, that figure of speech he takes your breath away or is it how he holds you by the neck in the heat of passion. . .

   Actually, when I asked if my hangover could get any worse, it was more of a rhetorical question than a challenge

   Angels are just dead people who drink Red Bull.

   "There must be a very short line for your job."

   Humans have built civilization and traveled to the moon. It is a legacy for the world, but perhaps only a flicker of light for the universe.

   Someone once told me it was really cool to bang a snowman.

   I want to become a social media terrorist and take down facebook, myspace, twitter, and instagram. 95% of the people in this country would be in shambles and actually have to interact with real people again...

   Cold beer is always a good idea.

   going to convince my neighbours that I've installed a sauna by going to my shed in a dressing gown...