Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think I have it all figured out......... Now, if only someone would organize it for me.....

   I think I'm just gonna start hittin' on Facebook friends that I can't remember why were friends. This way I dont have to defriend them.

   Just so we're clear: I know we agreed not to purchase gifts for each other this year, but you weren't serious. :)

   I like it when my wife calls me to check up on me. I feel like one of Charlies Angels.

   if Cheryl hates Ashley so much and divorce him without taking his money,why is she still using his last name?

   A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.

   siting at her comp and staring at the screen waitting for you to talk to her

   just got a phone call reminder from my dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   the leader of the show, make the ladies say "Oh!"

   was a strange kid. I had an upper and lower G.I Joe.

   if you dont think everyday is a good day, just try missing one!

   If the outside is so great, why has man spent hundreds of years perfecting inside.

   I was once challenged my own reflection to a staring contest. On the fourth day I won!

   Time to go foot race the homeless man again! If he wins I give him $50. He's got faster since I first started doin this

   taking one beer at a time.

   My wife grew up in Liberty, Mississippi. I'm not saying Liberty is small or extremely Southern, but when you're in town and yell, "Hey Bubba!". . . EVERYONE turns and waves.

   Cincinnati Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco to change last name back to Johnson. This must be one of the big changes promised by the team......WTF!!

   ID television for insomniacs who dont like info-mercials

   In need of a b-pong partner... If you're not super cute, then you better be the nuts at pong.

   I'll stop at nothing for a moving violation.