Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When Obamacare kicks in, I gets free healthcare, Right? Axing for a friend...

   marking his territory.

   the doctor looked at it his watch for Michael's time of death. The big hand was touching the little hand.

   "busy, you're ugly, have a nice day"

   History lessons in our time whr easy, at least people fought for a purpose, feel sorry for next generation to keep up with the History

   thinks that playing tag with sprinters is the 2nd least fun game in the world. second only to playing on a seesaw with a sumo wrestler.

   I think I have it all figured out......... Now, if only someone would organize it for me.....

   I think I'm just gonna start hittin' on Facebook friends that I can't remember why were friends. This way I dont have to defriend them.

   Just so we're clear: I know we agreed not to purchase gifts for each other this year, but you weren't serious. :)

   I like it when my wife calls me to check up on me. I feel like one of Charlies Angels.

   if Cheryl hates Ashley so much and divorce him without taking his money,why is she still using his last name?

   A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.

   I was once challenged my own reflection to a staring contest. On the fourth day I won!

   Time to go foot race the homeless man again! If he wins I give him $50. He's got faster since I first started doin this

   taking one beer at a time.

   siting at her comp and staring at the screen waitting for you to talk to her

   just got a phone call reminder from my dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   the leader of the show, make the ladies say "Oh!"

   was a strange kid. I had an upper and lower G.I Joe.

   My wife grew up in Liberty, Mississippi. I'm not saying Liberty is small or extremely Southern, but when you're in town and yell, "Hey Bubba!". . . EVERYONE turns and waves.