Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: Having a male friend is a lot like having a pet tiger. Sure its fun in theory, but you're always waiting for the day it turns on you.

   I stick to the script, I memorize the lines Cause life is a movie that I've seen too many times

   Ladies: Never make an important decision while you're on your period.

   That annoying feeling you get when you're dying to talk to someone, but your pride won't allow you to text them first.

   In the news today: Prince Harry is dating his cousin!! I also would be dammned first before I let anyone else date my cousin if she was that good looking.

   i think I am going to go plank on my couch...i'll upload pics later

   Dont Drink and Drive....Drink and call AAA and say "my car is Fooked up just tow it to my house"

   The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem...

   Don't feel bad, alot of people don't have talent either

   The wagon of love breaks down under the weight of baggage from the past.

   So damn bored and sleepy at work. Sunday should be national holiday for everyone period. The only places needs to stay open should be Walmart and the clubs.

   The fact that women should be equal to men, doesn't mean that they have to make the same mistakes.

   trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

   Want to finish that game of Monopoly we started 10 years ago???

   When people say they have a bad headache, that implies they have had good headaches. In that case, its not an ache at all is it?

   Women cant hear what Men don't say

   not to self: dont respond "Im snipt" when she asks if you have a condom

   Just saw a kid in wal-mart pick up a Justin Beiber CD and pummel it into the floor screaming like a wild man... My faith in our nations youth has been restored.

   Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians

   Yes, it's true! I am the absolute kingpin of the jelly doughnut cartel.