Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet if you added them up Cher has had more surgeries than Chaz.

   this guy predicting the apocalypse is camping? Seriously, all this brouhaha caused by one homeless guy?

   Moment of panic: When someone walks in while you're taking a crap at work or school

   Sometimes I need to hold my girlfriend underwater in order to find her leak then I can throw a vinyl patch on her and go about my business.

   first day of summer and longest day of the year. Will this day ever end!

   And the Thunder rolls... Right outta the playoffs.

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

   WOW!! This winter storm system spans 2000 miles!!

   Going to Mexico next month and my buddies suggested I take my lady to a donkey show. Cool! We both love those Shrek movies. Thanks for the suggestion guys!

   going to paint the town red tonight. Unfortunately the town now has Cameras installed and he got spotted and arrested.

   It's looking like along week. And like a midget at a urinal, I'm going to have to be on my toes for it.

   Told my wife I was getting my swagg on...she said just keep it off her couch...grrrrr

   You call it lying, I call it protecting your feelings.

   Q.) What's the speed limit of s3x? A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

   A husband received a phone call from police."Sir we have found the body of a woman who we suspect is ur wife.Can you please come n identify the body?" Husband-"I'm a bit busy right now,why don't you take a pic,tag me on Facebk n if it's her,I'll click the

   When you get on Facebook it's either you're stalking people or playing farmville!

   Man Law #236: Unless you last name is "Van Damme" grown a$$ men don't do the splits...

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen.

   Just heard Jay-Z's new pro Wall Street remix. If you're having financial problems I feel bad for you son. You're in the 99% but I'm in the one.

   I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the rest.