Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend hit me in the face with a bottle of Johnson and Johnson 'No More Tears' shampoo. I'm claiming 'False Advertising'!

   It's so hot out that I've been sweating more than a drug smuggler going through coustoms.

   "Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."

   My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.

   Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄

   My bucket list..... 1. Bucket 2. Ice 3. 6pk beer.

   Sometimes I think I'm the reason God found a need for Guardian Angels. You're welcome.

   Maybe you misunderstood me. I love you in a "tennis score" sort of way.

   Seriously its 2018, no one laughs at a joke, you just say LOL or like it and move on, we got no time to laugh !

   Once my boss told me to dress for the job that I wanted, not for the job that I had. And I felt real stupid in the next sales meeting dressed like Batman.

   had a mix up at the store today when the cashier asked me to strip down facing her she apparently was talking about my debit card..

   I just saw what came out of me, so I highly doubt I am beautiful on the inside.

   They say when you're looking for something you lost. It's always found in the last place you look. Of course it is. Who would keep on looking for it?

   The only way to know a relationship is going well, when she feels comfortable taking a dump at your place

   Stop all your crying about losing an hour of sleep from Daylight Savings Time. Business travelers experience it every single week...

   I just busted three plastic spoons trying to eat an avocado that has a sticker that says "ripe and ready to eat."

   A chef these days is someone who constantly yells and swears at you in the kitchen.

   Tyler Durden: The first rule of Flight Club is: You do not talk about Flight Club.

   Oh.... you wanted a "Fidget" spinner. *Tells 4'8" guy he and his exercise bike can go home.

   If you ever meet someone who calls Gatorade flavors the actual name of the flavor instead of just the color, they are 100% a cop.