Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in your extended dreams

   A president with a MYSPACE?!?! WOW should we really trust this guy?..

   sometimes wishes that life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP ►► FF

   Girls have unique magic tricks, they get wet without water, bleed without injury, and make boneless things hard.

   Bad friends are like my cum. Sometimes they get in your face. Sometimes they won't get out of your hair....and sometimes they're all up in your a$$!

   Usually when a President has a highway named after him he is already dead. I guess the people of Orlando have ESP?

   Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver

   If a police ever stops me and says "papers" and I say "scissors" do I win?

   11 year old found on plane heading to Rome. Seems the Pope was ordering some take out!

   Every time someone votes for Romney/Ryan, an elderly, minority, lesbian veteran gets punched in the uterus. 

   A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”

   [Jesus at Last Supper] *breaks bread* This is my body *pours wine* This is my blood *opens jar of mayo* Judas: I'm gonna stop you right there

   not the same in person.

   not even supposed to be here today

   Trump University's Most Popular Majors: 1) Lying. 2) Cheating. 3) Stealing.

   got gas earlier for $1.39!!! Too bad it was from Taco Bell...

   anxiously waiting on my picture of the person i'm going to be supporting under the new obama care health insurance.

   playing Russian roulette with an automatic pistol

   I guess that extra day of black history month was to much for some monkees

   give Tiger and Jesse a break. Obama is screwing the whole country