Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ┣▇f͟͞a͟͞c͟͞e͟͞b͟͞o͟͞o͟͞k͟͞▇▇═─™ This drug is very efficient for cases of chronic boredom. Extra doses can lead to addiction.

   ...Chelsea Clinton got married this past weekend. Great to see Chelsea grow from an awkward, homely child to an awkward, homely adult.

   I'm so going to Hell now! ..... The good news is I'll see a lot of familiar faces... I CALL SHOTGUN!!

   "Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

   In mother Russia, Turkey shoots you for Thanksgiving

   Thanks to 0bamacare, Americans can expect to earn six figure salaries in 2014. Okay, six figures if you count the decimal point, the zeroes that follow the decimal point, and the dollar sign.

   Maury Povich is married to Connie Chung. Do you think before sex he sings Wang Chung tonight?

   the world had a crazy week, two rich white women and Ed McMahon have passed.

   It takes real courage to suck another man's c@ck. And any man who can do it can dern well defend the nation I love.

   When someone complains about facebook making changes, what they really mean is, "I just barely learned how to turn on my computer this year."

   Wat if I were Nike n You were McDonalds?? Obviously, I'd be 'Doing It' n You'd be 'Lovin It'..

   Solution to the health insurance problem. Change the title from Obama care to trump care and trump will want to keep it.

   What's worse than the dog chewing your shoe? A whale eating your trainer!

   Make her the center of your world. Put her on a pedestal. Bend her over on said pedestal and pound her hard until she speaks in tongues.

   I have no problem with cesarean scars because ultra tight v@gina.

   If Facebook ever shuts down. You'll see people roaming the streets shoving pictures in others faces screaming 'Do you like this!?!?!.. DO YOU!?!?!'

   A good man will send flowers to your office. The perfect man will come to your office, close the blinds and pluck your flower.

   So listen, here's the deal; If I wanna hear about god or religion I'll go to church, otherwise I am only here on Facebook to flirt and hopefully get laid.

   dazed and confused but liking it...

   having an excellent adventure with Bill and Ted