Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wants a Phd in Sarcasm !!

   Just got some Tiger's Blood. Thanks Charlie!

   If you LOL and no one is around, do you make a sound?

   Just when I thought my dream was real... the the wife crawls out of the hole and wants to start talking...

   Bad things come In 3's. First the earthquake, then the hurricane, then the zombies..

   Just watched the MTV VMA's. Was it just me or did Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars look like brothers?

   I've missed you so much, I've dreamt about you night after night. I can't believe I've lived without you, I know we will be together soon....Just 3 more days till college football!

   at least the Notre Dame crowd Evacuated Like A Champion Yesterday

   why is there always, that one person in the group that wants to be a kiss ass! The one, when someone ask "is there any questions" (2 min before its time to go) they wanna ask a question. In your mind all you thinking is "this biotch"!

   I dont need to see the video of what happended on 9/11. I remember it like it was yesterday.

   If you don't want a parking ticket, put your wipers on high.

   Excellent time to become a missing person.

   wearing plastic gloves to prevent any computer viruses

   Why can't the President tackle the real issues? Like mandating all clocks auto-program when there is a time change!

   I don't flirt with women, I flirt with disaster.

   It's great to see somebody change their relationship status on Facebook to 'Married' when they are actually legally married.

   I know people are going to do what they do regardless of what I say I do...and I've come to the conclusion that people are just ignorant!

   After last night, I do believe being pregnant is like your unborn being on Section 8. Where else can they live dirt cheap, eat free food all the while pissing the hell out of the landlord.

   One of the those days where it felt like I was going through a mid 20s crisis. Then I realized I was past my mid 20s and that caused another crisis. On days like this there is only one man I turn to for guidance. Watching ALF

   Remember, if you took all the parking meters downtown and laid them end-to-end, you'd be in jail faster than you can say, "Guinness Book of World Records"