SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Product Marketing idea: Taylor Swiffer. Boom.

   Just curious, how many weeks can you wear the same pair of jeans before it's gross?

   If you ever laugh so hard that your ass actually comes off, sh!t probably stops being funny real quick.

   I actually did see mommy kissing Santa Claus. At the mall. I was 8. My dad was pissed.

   I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now, I just shuffle along with the lost.

   We now live in a culture where ppl choose their insurance providers based on who has the most comedic TV commercials.

   I see all these dark smoke signals coming from my neighbor's house & all I can think is, "How long can it take for him to elect a new Pope?"

   Whipped cream in a pie tin is not a pie. Stop wasting our time, clowns.

   Saw a baby holding a silly green cellphone rattle, fat colorful plastic keys and a KEEP MOVIN' shirt. Take the hint baby, grow up & get out.

   My kitchen is starting to look like a middle school science fair.

   Made it through the day without smoking any Peeps marshmallow bunnies. Feeling strong.

   The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

   Live each day like you're marked for deletion.

   Driving around with the windows down, blasting some Burl Ives, trying to score some holiday sluts.

   Beware of TV. It has the power to turn things like storage, parking and cupcakes into wars.

   Some call it drug abuse. I say the drugs get what they deserve.

   Things to do: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.

   Yesterday was the birthday of both Elvis Presley & David Bowie, neither of whom have gained any weight since 1977.

   After Pat Sajak confessed to being drunk during Wheel of Fortune, Bob Barker admitted he neutered animals during Price Is Right commercials.

   Your magnetic bracelet is causing me to have negative thoughts about you.