Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Did, we REALLY need a Karate Kid remake????

   You know what really gets on my nerves? Skin.

   1am... husband is snoring so loud I can't sleep! Tomorrow night I'm getting out the spray bottle and when he starts I'm giong to squirt him like a bad puppy! Yeah, I'll let you know that one turns out.

   Okay, so celebrities usually die in 3's... So far, Dennis Hopper, Gary Coleman... who's next?

   gathering rocks to throw at the English Football Team!!!

   wants to do something different today so is thinking about sitting on the TV to watch the sofa!!!

   Writing. Like. This. Doesn't. Make. Your. Point. Any. Stronger. It. Makes. It. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma.

   thinks Sesame Street should keep Katy Perry and ban Elmo.

   Me: Did it hurt? Girl says: What, when I fell out of heaven? Me: No, when you got kicked out of hell for being too hotttt!!

   facebook went down...so I had sex, ate a sandwich and VIOLA! its back! Luck of the Irish!

   9x - 7i > 3(3x - 7u) = ? (see comment for answer)

   Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

   I was born a pessimist. My blood type is B negative.

   welcome to britain, where men are men and women are slags!

   WTF! I was about to drink my vodka but it started screaming so I stopped and asked "what's wrong?", it said "you forgot to post a pic of me on your Facebook wall" and slapped me!

   Whether you celebrate Wanksgiving, Yanksgiving, or Spanksgiving be thankful for your hand.

   Apparently one of those 3 wishes he got from "Jeanie" didn't include livong forever....RIP Larry Hagman

   I can't believe people have nerve enough to still be shooting fireworks. They almost caught my Christmas lawn decorations on fire.

   Heard about the Blonde terrorist who tried to blow up a bus? She burned her lips on the exhaust pipe.

   g ay athletes are nothing new. Why do you think they call the LPGA "dykes with spikes"??