SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   I hate it when people are holding a device capable of using google and they ask me stupid questions.

   Quick, how do you wrap a broom?

   You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.

   When Bill Gates feels like a million bucks, he's having a crappy day.

   It's too bad you can't punch someone's personality.

   They can go ahead and change the name "land line" to "cell phone finder" now.

   You know what my problem is? People telling me what my problem is.

   Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.

   Sleep is my drug, my bed is my dealer, and my alarm clock is the police.

   Dance like no ones watching. Sing like no ones listening. Live everyday like Maury told you its not your baby

   I've just been informed by a porn site that "8 hot nymphos in my area are dying to meet me." I'm understandably stoked.

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   The bat signal seems pretty useless if they need Batman during the day.

   Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.

   Facebook is like a relationship, once you think you have it all figured out, everything changes.

   You'll never see me on Hoarders because I can't afford that much sh!t.

   Filling out my doctors info sheet, listed my twitter followers as my emergency contacts.

   Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.

   It's that time of year again where commercials remind me that I will probably never get a car with a bow on it.

   I'm not the only one that drives to work hoping its a crime scene, am I?