SEAN Funny Status Messages

   Stop leaving me messages. If I ever wanted to talk to you again, I wouldn't have borrowed all that money.

   When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.

   Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.

   I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.

   I had a headache so I took a pill that gave me chest pains, dry mouth, restless leg syndrome & explosive diarrhea. But hey, headache's gone.

   Lindsay Lohan should at least have to spend as much time in jail as we have to spend hearing about it.

   Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.

   Not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don't we just take the safety labels off everything and let the problem solve itself

   “You’re beautiful the way you are, ladies. Just kidding, you need to buy this stuff.” – commercials

   Scared the postman by going to the door naked. I'm not sure what scared him more, my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

   Always carry $100,000 cash on you at all times in case you ever feel like getting a sandwich from an airport.

   Facebook is not so bad once you block your family and friends.

   "Nothing is impossible." I disagree. I'm doing nothing right now... it's totally possible.

   No I didn't want a receipt but now that you've asked me I'm suspicious, so yes, I will have that receipt now please.

   anything is pocket sized if your ass is big enough

   Why isnt there any black friday deals at the liquir store....

   Playing Frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to just running after a Frisbee.

   If you are under house arrest but live in a mobile home can you go anywhere you want?

   Homeless people wouldn't be half as poor if they didn't waste all of their money on sharpies and cardboard.

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....