Funny Status Messages

   After it was announced that 29 people were Injured in the NY Bombing, Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson was Thankful that ‘Nobody Got Hurt’

   "Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon. Going to the candidates' debate. Laugh about it, shout about it When you've got to choose Every way you look at this you lose" - Simon and Garfunkel (1968)

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   Going to the Guns 'n Roses concert tonight. I hope the noise doesn't give me cancer tonight.

   Choked on my coffee this morning so I guess I'm done for my daily cardio.

   My Ex was so ugly that when she went to a nude beach she was asked to cover her face

   This entire gender neutral thing has gone too far. I just saw a commercial on tv for Mama John's.

   Worlds shortest joke- "Two women are sitting quietly"

   Dating: Bang her like there's no tomorrow. Married: Bang her like she finally said, "Fine, do what you have to. Just hurry up"

   And for years I thought Pluto was a dog.

   You seem like a nice person, are you lost?

   If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...

   Hit the hay. Kick the straw. Bodyslam the alfalfa.

   If you don’t use steroids in the state of Florida, how the hell are you supposed to fight off the escaped pythons?

   Avoiding responsibility one bottle of vodka at a time.

   Me as a doctor: Hey, I get paid whether you can maintain an erection or not buddy. Next!

   Hold on.. Lemme find a pic of me with my clothes on.

   You have 200 pictures of only your face? You must be sooooo thin.

   >>> Upset many will leave the home to go to a retail store where they can fight with complete strangers over unneeded and useless crap that our spoiled lives really didn't need in the first place.

   I heard you have trust issues. That's nice. Get in the damn van.