Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming

   Corned beef and cabbage this.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "Toilet Paper" and not "Butt Napkins"?

   Moving is so fun, finally found this chloroform, hey does it taste expired to y....

   Going to the Guns 'n Roses concert tonight. I hope the noise doesn't give me cancer tonight.

   Not only do we get a new James Bond, but he will now require a Visa to do missions in Europe.

   Reading red meat is bad for you so i'm giving up reading

   America: Diet coke, large pizzas.

   What's so bad about the Zika virus anyway? Some people like a little head.

   Usain Bolt is the world's fastest man, but if they had a sex olympics my husband would be in the hunt for the title.

   Jimmy Fallon is boring.

   I live in Los Angeles. We already have Taco Trucks on every corner, and it's wonderful!!!

   After it was announced that 29 people were Injured in the NY Bombing, Presidential Candidate Gary Johnson was Thankful that ‘Nobody Got Hurt’

   "Sitting on a sofa on a Sunday afternoon. Going to the candidates' debate. Laugh about it, shout about it When you've got to choose Every way you look at this you lose" - Simon and Garfunkel (1968)

   In another stunning reversal, Trump announced today that the chocolate cake he was served while bombing Syria was "average, at best."

   Kim Jong Un is fat! It's not because it runs in his family. He's fat because nobody runs in his family.

   I didn't know why everyone was making such a big deal about LGBT. I've been putting guacamole on my BLT for a long time now. I have now problems with it.

   Why are there so many old, retired men in church? They're cramming for the final.

   Dating: Bang her like there's no tomorrow. Married: Bang her like she finally said, "Fine, do what you have to. Just hurry up"

   And for years I thought Pluto was a dog.