Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Spoiler Alert!!! If you're reading this, you're a huge part of the problem.

   Did you know that women named Laverne can give you a blow job with or without teeth.

   Finally joined Tinder 'cause I've always wanted to date a white girl named Jazz.

   [Ship Sinking] Captain:We're short on boats, so women & children first... *Guy rubs chin *coughs* I identify as a woman.... Men echo:I'm a woman too!

   It's not called looting under this administration. . .we are calling it revenge shopping

   My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

   OK ...... Somebody wake up the guy from Green Day ..... September just ended .....

   A coworker stopped by to inform me she had lost 30 pounds. As I watched her walk away I realize I had just found the 30 pounds.

   Let's see ...... Trump or Hillary .... After plenty of thought ..... I'm still voting for Pedro ..... After all .... He promises that all of my wildest dreams will come true!!!

   If your feeling like Charlie Sheen, go and brush your shoulders off

   Proposed her indirectly,but she rejected directly!!!!

   wish I can do , what CAL LIGHTMAN can ;-)

   a voice in his head. I ask it yes and no questions, and it answers

   Acute Gout Attack!! - The Vegetarian's Revenge!

   The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when they fill out a job application.

   the only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.

   I tried the Facebook Friend Finder and it showed me all the people who deleted me, I think its a tad bit faulty or should be renamed!

   thinks it's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

   If the world really was going to end in 2012, the bankers would find some way to "stall" it....they ain't going to let people get away with not paying their 25 year mortgages.

   If your password is "password" then that is not the only thing I know about you.