Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   made two batches of brownies at a friend's house, one plain and one special. accidentally brought the wrong batch home to my very mormon mother. she's laughing her ass off at george carlin right now

   Brett Favre was fined $50,000. That's a slap on the back of the hand. They didn't want to slap the front because God knows where it's been recently.

   Lady at the table next time mine just told the waiter "Oh, I just wanted one teabag with that." I'm holding back the laughter.

   If you were naked in bed, laying between Cheryl Cole and Alan Carr, which one would you face and which one would you turn your back to?

   A friday with out Booze is like a Church without a priest...

   Did you know your Index finger is a perfect fit for your nostril?

   Frankly, 'm surprised BP hasn't called Tiger Woods, given his expertise in filling golf holes

   Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.......or swallow... In that case, call me ;)

   smelling the whiskey burning down Copperhead Road.....

   so awesome, even my Camaro says Iroc!

   Apparently saying you're gay with excitement about going to the Texas Rodeo is a poor choice of words

   can't stand on his own because he's too-tired and a bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired

   Happy Chinese New year!! It is the year of the Tiger. I can think of one Tiger who isn't having a good year.

   Fine Arts < Real Education

   Be careful the bridges you burn today may be the very ones you will one day have to cross!

   There's a good chance that any empty can you see rolling along the sidewalk is just Patrick Swayze's ghost learning how to move objects.

   Top 100 lies:::#38 No baby, I've never faked it with you.

   If going down on one knee is called Tebowing, then I guess dropping your pants and bending over is called being a US citizen!

   Facebook needs these 3 buttons: “Dislike”, “Who cares”, “Are you an idiot?”

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. This is awesome because I was just starting to think that Chewbaccas were becoming extinct...