Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even I'm not dumb enough to believe Twitter crashed itself in order to protect people.

   yellow cars have the highest crash rate, according to a pole

   Due to all that's happened so far this year, I have no choice but to deduct 2 stars from my original TripAdvisor review of Earth

   Who am I sad passed away? Anwer: Alex Trebek.

   I just saved hundreds of dollars on my car insurance by leaving the scene of an accident!

   Hates when vegans say, “nice to meat you,” instead of, “nice to plant you.”

   I've seen umpteen Facebook posts from folks claiming it would be their last. Nope.

   Guys, read the fine print before selling your soul to the devil. There's no way to opt out of his email newsletters.

   I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.

   Daylight Saving Time. Where we lose an hour of eating.

   Anne, I had to quit my profession as a gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.

   As a trick this halloween I'm giving out caramel onions as treats.

   When there's a new woman at the house, and the dog doesn't stick his nose in her crotch, then I pass too.

   I go to restaurants where the waiter takes your order, and then purposely walks by your table with plates of what you could have ordered.

   Steve Bannon and Harvey Weinstein look like they went face shopping together.

   Ending chain migration is a long way to go just to avoid your in-laws.

   ☆ List of things that will Make America Great Again ☆ 1. Dinosaurs

   Women have options. Men have responsibilities.

   David Wilson coughs up more balls then Kim Kardashian at a Kanye show.

   When I'm having a crappy day, sometimes I'll yell out "Computer, Arch!" hoping it has all been a Star Trek Holodeck simulation.