Funny Status Messages

   FYI: If you're a billionaire and you don't have a private 24 hour Starbucks added to your mansion you're doing it wrong.

   AirBnb improving site. Listings to include questions: "Are you using this apartment/condo/house for a drug-fueled orgy?" "If so, will you pay a $25 cleaning fee?"

   It's great to have pancakes on a special occasion. But I think it might have been better not to put syrup on before I blew out the candles.

   My toddler keeps jumping from the coffee table to the couch. Does anybody know how to turn off airplane mode?

   These medical letters seem pretty legit. Every physical I ever got had the standard line "healthy and fit to serve as president"....

   When someone posts a picture of their new car and you want to reply, "Congrats on your $600 a month payment!"

   "Don't wear white after Labor Day" was the original first rule of Fight Club.

   Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night.

   Just when you think parenting can't be any weirder, you find yourself consoling your son, upset that he can't get a squirrel to hug him.

   Your significance or importance on this planet must never be determined by another human being other than you.

   Are self driving cars the brothel of the future?

   Growing up, all I wanted was Girls Gone Wild. As an adult, I ended up with Bills Gone Wild

   If you want to know who your real facebook fiends are all you have to do is post that you got a new phone and need numbers.

   I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   So if no one posted pictures of the lunar eclipse for friends who don't look up from their phones did it really happen?

   After much consideration I've decided not to host the Grammys this year.

   happy vALONEtine's day to the single people

   In unrelated news Julian Edleman and Tom Brady have just checked in to couples therapy...

   Sometimes I get irritated when people ask me simple or even complex questions.. like you have a iPhone right there and you know the WiFi.. Google it! Ugghh I hate finals

   anybody knows the booking agent to DR? its for my ex