Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife says I am paranoid.. of course that's what I'd expect an undercover CIA agent to say..

   Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment. Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job. Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.

   waiter: any allergies I should know about? me: uh, peanuts? waiter: [disappointed] aw I already know that one.

   "doctor, help! my son shattered one of his kneecaps!" it's ok, the human body can survive on one kid-knee

   PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting

   Why do couples alway say that they're expecting a baby? Like could they be expecting something else perhaps like a penguin or a giraffe or something?

   Everybody’s saying Merry Christmas to their friends and family, so here’s a Merry Christmas to all the strangers and enemies no one ever says Merry Christmas to!

   New Year's Resolution: Date more hot women. Amended: Date more. Amended: Get a date. Amended: Stop crying while taking cold showers.

   It finally dawned on me why I was bad at math. I noticed during school lunch that my sandwiches were only cut in half. The smart kids' sandwiches were cut into trapezoids and parallelograms.

   I once had a dog who was the best watchdog ever. Well, he WOULDA been if a vacuum cleaner broke into the house.

   Welcome to Facebook - A friendly happy place where you can be pretend sociel while being antisocial.

   Today is National Winnie the Pooh Day, which is why I’m not wearing any pants.

   I wish all women online were in 3D. That's my apartment #. 3D

   If you really think about it, "F**k You" is a compliment.

   I have two snakes strapped to my windscreen. They're my vipers.

   No disrespect to the Vatican, but the actual first Sunday in Ordinary Time is the first Sunday after the Super Bowl.

   I'm on this new diet. I only eat after my wife agrees to sex. So far I've lost 72lbs.

   Reminder for this weekend..Avoid hangover.........stay drunk...

   I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, milking the cows, slopping the hogs, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   At what age do you stop needing deodorants and start smelling like mothballs? (Asking for a friend.)