Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A mans apology after he argues with his woman is "you want something from the store?" or " are you hungry?"

   Yeah I would delete all the irrelevant sh*t so that my readers would not have to be exposed to it.

   Googling your symptoms when you don't feel well is the most efficient way to convince yourself that you're dying

   I can't wait for all the life long residents in NY to see snow for the first time.

   Furlough 5k Fun Run......It will be fun... When you finished the race you get sent home with nothing ...

   I suggested to a girl who listed her relationship as "It's Complicated", to allow me come over and add to the complication.

   today was a female canine kind of a day!

   sometimes I think love is like bigfoot......other people claim they have seen it & experienced it but I don't think I ever will

   I would never argue with a female I'm not sleeping with.

   Potty training my toddler was easy. It was teaching her to hold a phone and scroll through Twitter that was hard.

   If you're not having a blast, you're doing life wrong.

   Apparently today is Mother-In-Law day. Who knew

   Vacation's over. Downside? Fewer status messages for you. Upside? Less me.

   The most productive and efficient thing about me is my liver

   How many calories does avoiding responsibility burn? Asking for a friend.

   Chivalry never goes out of style. Open doors, pull out chairs, and offer to undo your own belts.

   The world is our oyster (aphrodisiacs) which means the world makes us horny. and that is why it is perfectly natural that we should have sex right here, right now, and yet, in spite of the validity of my argument, this pickup line does not work.

   Give me enough booze and I can be anybody's spirit animal.

   When you decide to not talk bad about people, it really shortens the conversation

   thinks you should take up jogging!! Zombies hate fast food.