Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 4739 of 6446

Ted Cruz is being accused of Bad Lip reading on a Youtube channel, so let's see him battle it out on Lip Sync Battle.
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03-05-2016 16:10
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Love it!!! Autocorrect in 2016 still has not yet figured out how much I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.
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03-14-2016 20:21
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Vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and it's not effecting you, & the next you are chatting up a chair.
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03-15-2016 01:35
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My inner dreams tied up my fairy godmother, then kidnapped a leprechaun and are terrorizing the neighborhood 7-11 store.
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04-08-2016 06:44
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I'd like a service that a nurse will come to my house at 5am and give me an IV so my hangover is gone by 7am when I have to be to work.
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04-10-2016 00:38
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Interesting Fact: People who say "Suck my genitals".....95% women and 5% men.
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05-01-2016 14:56
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Honey .... Does this big belly make me look fat?
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05-10-2016 21:06
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Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...
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05-12-2016 14:21
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A doggy day care but for humans.
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05-13-2016 12:41
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If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.
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05-14-2016 04:52
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Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.
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05-27-2016 01:15
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99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!
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05-28-2016 00:51
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My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.
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05-29-2016 23:08 by Snotty
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Behind every woman is a man looking at other ones.
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05-30-2016 23:40
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If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?
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06-01-2016 02:07
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If you love something set it free, if it comes back set it free again because nobody else loved it either
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06-03-2016 19:20 by @DJPhatJ
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I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.
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06-04-2016 01:13
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Shout out to all my fans out there! [mom stands up and waves]
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06-07-2016 06:07
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Pro Tip: Apparently, 20 minutes is "too soon" to tell the new employee that the company is a godawful living hell of misery and despair.
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06-08-2016 06:10
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I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more because I need to meet my FitBit daily goals.
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06-10-2016 01:11
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