Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ted Cruz is being accused of Bad Lip reading on a Youtube channel, so let's see him battle it out on Lip Sync Battle.

   Love it!!! Autocorrect in 2016 still has not yet figured out how much I swear and how rarely I talk about ducks.

   Vodka is tricky, cause 1 second you think you're a supreme heavyweight and it's not effecting you, & the next you are chatting up a chair.

   My inner dreams tied up my fairy godmother, then kidnapped a leprechaun and are terrorizing the neighborhood 7-11 store.

   I'd like a service that a nurse will come to my house at 5am and give me an IV so my hangover is gone by 7am when I have to be to work.

   Interesting Fact: People who say "Suck my genitals".....95% women and 5% men.

   Honey .... Does this big belly make me look fat?

   Sticks and stones may brake my bones ... But names will never hurt me!! ..... Except SLUT ....... The word SLUT really hurts ...

   A doggy day care but for humans.

   If marriage counseling is seeing other people over drinks, then I will go to counseling.

   Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we're all going to die out here.

   99 decorative pillows on the bed, 99 decorative pillows, Take 1 down put it on the ground, No that's not where decorative pillows go, you idiot!!!!

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

   Behind every woman is a man looking at other ones.

   If you write ohkk or ohk or k for okay, it's possible we won't get along. Okay or OK is okay. Ohkk or k is not okay. Okay?

   If you love something set it free, if it comes back set it free again because nobody else loved it either

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....it’s just that I'm at the ice cream store.

   Shout out to all my fans out there! [mom stands up and waves]

   Pro Tip: Apparently, 20 minutes is "too soon" to tell the new employee that the company is a godawful living hell of misery and despair.

   I would walk 500 miles and I would walk 500 more because I need to meet my FitBit daily goals.