Snotty Funny Status Messages

   Ummm,,,,Why do all these old bands keep copying glee songs?

   A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort,, it is equal to one night.. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.

   Washes entire car with the squeegee at the gas pump

   I'm old enough to remember when there was only 1 fat kid in the class photo.

   Marriage vows should include no bringing up crap that happened 8 years ago.

   The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.

   Had that dream again about Cee Lo Green getting into a slap fight with a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

   My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage

   Whoever named them "urinal cakes" has grossly overestimated their love for cake.... On a different note, what is the strongest toothpaste available?

   Pro tip: On Canadian Wheel of Fortune,,, ALWAYS buy the letter 'eh'.

   Here we go... Very good... You're doing a great job of reading this post... Just passed the middle... Nearly there... Wonderful job... All done... And like it!

   I was going to do a time travelling joke but you guys didn't like it.

   I'm now at the age where if I see a nice nursing home, I make a mental note of it.

   So remember, ,, for every action,,,,, there is an equal and opposite social media overreaction

   Pterodactyls are probably extinct because of the pterrible and ptedious spelling of their stupid species name.

   To be truthful,,, I have never unrolled a sleeping bag and been able to roll it back up any smaller than the size of a garage.

   My signature move is to slightly caress my wife for 4 months until one day she sighs deeply then seductively calls out "fine, just hurry up"

   "Pay attention, 007,,, This might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   If I quote The Princess Bride and you don't get the reference, you are dead to me... And not just mostly dead.

   An Alligator bit off an 81 year old women's arm in Florida, I guess 81years without getting your arm bitten off is a pretty good effort...