SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig

   *Food hits ground* Germ: “GET IT!!!” King germ: “No, you have to wait at least 5 seconds!”

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   Professional wrestler name: Office Max. Signature move: Three Hole Punch.

   I don't wanna speak to soon, but the new iPhone is way better at taking pictures of my wiener in the dark than the old one.

   I don't understand why people in movies open doors so slowly to be stealthy. Doors only creak when you do that. I mean, try opening your door really quickly. Not a sound.

   Don't bite the hand that feeds. In fact, don't bite anyone's hand you weirdo.

   Before you give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can get by with what is left.

   In our darkest moments we sometimes find a way to shine. Or smash a knee on the corner of a coffee table that you wanna toss into the fireplace.

   Holiday family gatherings are stressful because you're forced to face the short genetic distance between you and a completely insane person.

   Reporting on your own superheroic activity while in your secret identity as a reporter is an ethics violation, MR. KENT.

   THIS IS A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY ALERT SYSTEM I'm out of beer.

   Why was Jimmy cracking corn anyways? The microwave is much faster.

   I don't like what this diet is doing to my relationship with pie.

   We had a family tree but someone chopped it down and built a bar with it.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   I'm about to get in the middle of some girl-on-girl action with Aunt Jemima and Mrs. Butterworth.

   There's no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.

   In a show of support and encouragement, Brett Favre just texted Peyton Manning a picture of his pen!s.

   I have Pinocchio nipples. When I tell a lie, they poke out.