Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.

   There will soon come a day when the only thing we'll use modern technology for is to reminisce about how good things were before modern technology.

   I have an appointment this morning to see a child psychologist. But really, what can a nine-year-old tell me?

   eerie parallel ... in Cast Away, Tom Hanks was stranded on a distant island with only Wilson to keep him company ... now, Tom Hanks in is quarantine on a distant island with only Wilson to keep him company.

   can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

   Fake Christian below.

   I haven't watched this much TV since the "All Day Saturday Cartoon Marathon" when I was 8.

   I'd absolutely watch a TV show where people are forced to survive on $1,200 for 10 weeks.

   If a fart can go through underwear and a pair of jeans, how can a mask made of cloth save you from Covid? Asking for a friend...

   Good morning. Okay so money can't buy happiness, but it CAN buy bacon. Close enough.

   Happy Mothers Day, the day after

   It's hard to stay in your lane when your life is an endless multi-lane highway.

   A hookah is just a glorified bong.

   I'm into body building. When you consider that the body I built is a rotunda.

   Me: "I'll have a large coffee, no cream." Coffee guy: "We ain't got no cream, hows about with no milk?"

   The Illuminati have planted facial recognition cameras everywhere and the only way to stop them from tracking your every movment is by wearing a mask over your face. Tell everyone!!

   DNA is so detailed, that it directs hairs where to grow on your nut sack.

   I voted...for Medical Marijuana.

   But if you can't see your Christmas decorations from space, do you really love Jesus?

   So .... accidently cut in front of a dwarf today who screamed he was NOT happy. I yelled back: "Well then, which one are you?"