Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Getting clothes for Christmas is like getting vegetables for your birthday. Yeah, you need them, but that doesn't make them appropriate.

   While walking outside a random lady walks up to me. Her: No mask? Me: No underwear either.

   Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

   Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay. Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

   The subject of entomology really bugs me.

   In this world, there are beings who consider you their universe. Okay, they're dust mites and they live on your eyebrows, but so?

   Has anyone suggested the Google Earth app to the Flat Earth Society?

   Between diet soda, the Impossible Whopper and non-dairy creamer, our foods have become more fake than our online personas.

   It doesn't actually bother me much that I'll keep forgetting to write 2020 on my checks. What does bother me, is that it's 2020 and I'm still writing checks.

   Has a 24 pack of Charmin Extra Soft. Willing to trade for a bottle of Imodium A-D.

   Mexico is reconsidering building the wall for the sole purpose of keeping out New Yorkers.

   I’m building a wall around Facebook and Your all going to pay for it

   Atheists, spending all their negative energy and life talking about God until they become plant food. What a waste

   If there was no collusion, then there wouldn't be any obstruction of justice...

   If Republicans didn't insist on upholding their "Proud Tradition of Failure to do their JOB" ... Perhaps this country wouldn't be in such a sad state of affairs. They were elected to do one thing then proceeded to do another ..... SHEESH

   Gary Johnson 2016 #FeelTheJohnson

   well, who ya voting for, donald trump or isis' supreme leader?

   The only time a man should dance is when another man is shooting at his feet.

   Somebody stop the INTERNET, I want to get off!

   Welcome to laser noises club. Please take a pew, pew....pew!