SuthernFukr Funny Status Messages

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party and turned all the wine into water. Hate that guy.

   When you say the word “poop” your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. The same can be said for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea.”

   Great news! My Halloween book, "Fun-Sizing Your Way to Diabetes," is now available on the Kindle!

   You know you have a lot of tattoos when you can win an ugly Christmas sweater contest by going shirtless.

   I am a tireless advocate for sitting quietly by while others try do stuff about whatever that stuff is they care about.

   To be honest, I'm just trying to look busy until that new Muppet movie comes out.

   I confess that for years I thought 'Ass-less Chaps' referred to skinny British Guys.

   Unfollow, Unfriend, & Delete are the Stop, Drop & Roll safety instructions when it comes to the internet's most annoying people.

   As I've gotten older, my answer to any problem, more and more, is "burn it down".

   If 40 is the new 20, does that mean 20 is the new 10, and if so, do I need to delete these photos off my phone?

   Studies have shown a daily BJ makes relationships last much longer. It's true, I took a seat and volunteered for these studies.

   Any room can be a Panic Room if you run out of alcohol.

   I can tell you something about rental cars...don't rent a Ford Focus if you like to go 90mph. I think I unfocused it.

   Taking my tripwire down now, it was a blast watching tick or treaters faceplant on my porch!

   Until noon tomorrow, I would like to be called only by my street name- White Chocolate Filling. Please update your records.

   Willie Nelson is 77, so would somebody please warn him that weed's the gateway to heroin before it's too late.

   Piercing your lip is a good way to tell the world you let people pee on you in exchange for meth.

   "Will, you, Mary, Me" -- invitation to an orgy.

   Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.