Aaron Funny Status Messages

   out cow died so we don't need your bull

   sometimes I stroll through homeless shelters handing out real estate pamphlets just for fun.

   When I was at the gym again this morning, I thought to myself "How can I subtly tell everyone that I always go to the gym?"

   It was all so different before everything changed.

   supposed to cross the street with the skeleton. But he didn't have the guts

   The worst part about fighting with your dog is the makeup sex.

   You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."

   "Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"

   the ham is melting, the turkey is suspended in midair, the salami is hatching from its own egg. why did we even come to the salvidor deli

   Business Plan: 1. Make a "FREE HUGS!" sign. 2. During the hug, whisper, "But it's $50 to let go." 3. Gently press a knife into their side.

   Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.

   Hold your horses. It's hard realizing you're a horse and not a unicorn or a zebra. Console your horses. Tell them they're good enough.

   you aren't as good as the rest of em till you beat the best of em

   Every time I eat Chinese food I wear something nice, just in case I die in the same position as Elvis.

   There is an official UN appointee for First Contact should aliens arrive. I can't believe I didn't get that job.

   "ur cute when ur mad"...... "well immabout to get real adorable"

   "Hi, one ticket for 'The Social Network,' please."

   It ain't over until Adele sings.

   The key to a good night's sleep is to stay up late and get almost no sleep, then the next night after that you'll get a good night's sleep.

   so.. my lawyer says to her lawyer if she thinks she gettin that yacht then she's a little dingy